Chapter 114 - I Held Her All Night Long

"Why don't you ever talk about it?"  Jon asks her, with his heart in his throat.  

Beth looks at him, not so sure what he was asking, "His book?"

Dropping his head with the same lump in his throat, "About what happened?"

The lump now starts to form in her throat, "About what he's put us through?"  her hand nervously starts to rub his thigh, "Why talk about that?"

"That's not what I mean."

"Then talk about what?"  she knows where he's going and she doesn't like it.  She's dreaded this day.  The day where they are finally at peace, comfortable in the skin that they are in and on the road paved with happiness and the truth would need to be talked about.  "Are you asking me about the rape?"

He slightly nods his head, hating to admit it but as his mind works he knows that there are going to be questions raised.  Softly he says, "Yeah, why don't you ever talk about it?"

"What is there to talk about?  It's ancient history."

"Do you ever want to talk about it and don't?" he tightens his hold on her a little, "You know I'm always here and I'll always listen."

"I know."  She squeezes his thigh slowly allowing her thoughts to go back to that night.  That night so long ago in California.  The night that she needed him the most and he was on the other side of the county.  "Why don't you ever talk about it?"  She turns the table on him.  "It affected you, too."

Jon thinks before he speaks, knowing that they are in uncharted territory and the subject is still quite raw.  Especially since they haven't talked about it in what feels like forever to him.  "I won't lie, Beth - I think about it often."

"You do?" she's a little surprised by that.  "What do you think?"  She starts to feel a little anxious.  "What makes you think about it?"

Jon releases his hold on her and lays back on the bed, keeping his left hand on her at all times, "I think many things and at very random times."

"Like what?" she quickly snaps back at him, twisting on the bed to face him.  

Looking at her, in her eyes and into her soul he admits, "There are times that I wonder if my touch reminds you of that night."

"NEVER Jon!" she can't even process what he just said.  To her it was silly.  "Do you really wonder that?"

He nods his head, "At first I was consumed by the thought.  I was afraid to touch you, but as time went on, it got less and less."  Beth can see that bothers him.

"Why would you think that way?  Have I done or said something to make you think that?" she asks.

"No babe, no." he assures her, wanting her to know that there is nothing that she could ever do that would make him think of that night.  "There is nothing that you could do, could say that would take my thoughts there, Beth."

"Then what made you think that?" she leans on him, resting her head in her hands.  

"It was what happened to you that made me think that way.  I mean really, can you imagine being me and wanting to comfort you and console you after that?"

She slightly shakes her head no. "I never really thought about that, like that I mean."

"It was torture, wanting to hold you and dry your tears," he slides his hand up and down her back, gently pulling her closer, "to want to keep you close and take away what I could - but knowing that my touch, just the tips of my fingers could bring it all back to you?"  he lets out a sigh, feeling his heart race.  "when I think back about that now, I don't know how I made it through that time."

Beth lets herself go and lays across Jon's chest.  She can feel his heart beat, she can feel what he is saying in her belly.  "Not once has your touch made me think of him and or that night.  Not once.", curling her head she looks back at him.  "there have been a few times that I had been thinking about him, that night, that first night and your touch pulled me out of it."