Chapter 115 - Sometimes I Sleep

"Do you think about him a lot?" Jon asks her, not sure that he wants to know the answer.  She did raise the question, though.  His hand gently caressing her firm butt that's barely hidden by her robe.  

Beth rests her head on the bed and whispers, "I used to never think about him, for long periods of time.  And then for a few days all if could think about was that night."

"What changes it for you?"

"I wondered that for a while myself.  I figured it was life and what was going on."

"Meaning?" he questions.

Beth pushes herself up and rights herself next to Jon.  Laying next to him, she turns her head and admits, "When life goes good for us, he seems to be around very little.  But when we are in the shit storms that we are often hit with, he's right there in the forefront."

Jon turns his head and looks at her, "I can understand that.  I think about him in the shit storms too."

"Never when we're intimate?" falls out of his mouth.  He heard what he was saying as he said it, but he couldn't stop  it.

With out hesitation, Beth looked him in the eye and says, "I have never thought about and I never think about him when we're intimate.  NEVER!"  she has to emphasize, he has to believe her.  "He will never enter my mind and ruin our time."  she takes a deep breath, needing the pause.  "Have you?" she adds.

Jon rolls on his side, hoists himself on his elbow and assures her, "He only enters my mind in bad times, or when he does the shit like he is doing now.  He has never been in my thoughts when we have been together.  He won't get into us like that, I won't let him."  Leaning over to kiss her, "He will never get into us that deep."

Beth smiles, believing every word he just told her.  She knows that he won't let Dalton ruin their love life and that he will no longer be an issue in the relationship.  She knows, in her heart of hearts that he will protect her and the kids at any cost.  But so will she.  "Why is he doing the book now, that's what I want to know."

"Babe, we know why."

"Other than to keep fucking with us.  There has to be a reason that goes deeper for him than that.  Dalton is a multiple motive guy - it can't be just for us, just to hurt us."  She rolls her head back and forth, "there has to be more that we don't know."

Jon lays back on the bed, his right hand lands on her leg, "It doesn't matter why.  We can get ahead of it, stay ahead of it and act like it's no big deal.  We can't let him know that he's getting to us."

The conversation goes on until Beth fades off to sleep.  As she lays there snoring, with her head on her husband Jon contemplates their next move.  So much has gone on with them, he can barely think straight when he applies himself.  From their rocky beginning, to their terrible and horrific past; leading them to where they are now.  He's not sure what he should do.  He leaves soon for tour and can't worry about what's going on back home.  He hates to leave things unfinished, uncertain and unattended - but Dalton's book is set to release and the press will look to Jon and Beth for a story.  

It doesn't take Jon long before he plans his next move.  Dalton, Brian, Melissa and Dot have been the cause of many unpleasantries in their lives.  The four of them have hurt everyone and have been the root of many inconveniences.  From security issues to having to go into hiding, Jon and Beth have weathered much and are on the verge of facing more.

In the morning he's getting with attorneys and trying to stop the release of Dalton's book.  His plan B is to have a press release ready if it is in fact released.  He admits to himself that that is all that they are going to do.  If they can stop it - great.  If not, they will make a statement to it's content and the author but other than that, that is all that they are going to do.  Against his own better judgement he decided on the statement, even though Dalton doesn't even deserve that.  Making a statement regarding the book will only increase it's sales and keep it in the spotlight - and Jon knows that he can't concern himself with that any longer.  They are sure that the book will paint them in every color imaginable and that too they can't concern themselves with.  It's time to put the past in the past and not look back.

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Jon slides out from under Beth and covers her with a throw.  Gently he kisses her head and leaves their master suite.  On the way to the kitchen, he stops off at all of the bedrooms that contain kiddos and checks on them all.  They all are where they are supposed to be; safe and sound asleep.  That warms Jon's heart and he can't help but think about leaving.  He hates leaving his babies, he hates going on the road but it's his job.  Shuffling down the stairs, he's running many things through his mind.  The book, her rape and subsequent assault.  His thoughts quickly go to Tony's wedding and the fact that they own a vineyard.  To himself he laughs and says, 'Richie is right, I'm not happy unless I have a million things going on."

As he enters their home office, the moon bouncing off the ocean catches his eye.  He's drawn to the windows where he sits for a time, looking out thinking about all that they have going on.  He has a lot to do, in a little time and he's the only one that can do it.  He gets started.

Once his Mac is up and running, he starts with an email to the lawyers.  He simply asks them to do what ever they can to stop the release.  Pressing send helps him feel a little relief and all though it may only be a little, at this point he will gladly take what he can get.  The shit storm that's coming, he's mentally preparing for.

After he answers some emails and checks a few things he gets up and walks over to Beth's desk.  Looking over her day planner, he's trying to get a glimpse at what she has going on.  He's hoping that he can lighten her load and maybe help her with a thing or two.  He can see seating charts and a guest list and knows that it's for Tony's wedding.  The seating chart got the best of him.  He takes a look to see who is sitting where.  At their table, it's just them and his parents.  He quietly tells Beth thank you for keeping their table simple.  He didn't want to sit with those those that he would need to make small talk with.  That's his least favorite thing to do at social events - unless it involved football.  

Upon further snooping around Beth's desk, he finds a hand written letter that he's never seen before.   He opens it and sees that it's to Beth.

Beth Ann,

I hope this letter finds you doing well.  From what I hear, you and the family are doing great.  I can only imagine how big those twins are getting.  Do you ever think about the ones that died?  The ones that you buried and forgot about.  Do you remember those precious little ones that you put in the ground and walked away from?  What about little McKenna.  The other dead child that you buried and walked away from.  Tell me Beth Ann, how are you doing?  Can you look at yourself in the mirror?  Can you lay your head down at night and fall fast asleep or are your thoughts riddled with guilt?  Guilt for forgetting the ones that were with you first and the ones that loved you unconditionally.  Do you think about the ones that never got to take a breath, or the one that needed your protection?  Tell me, can you forgive yourself for not doing what you are supposed to do as a mother?  You didn't protect McKenna like you were supposed to.  You let her down and let her die.  

Love, ME

Jon can't believe what he's reading.  As he folds the letter back up to place back in the envelope, he can see his hands shake.  "Who the fuck is this from?" he says to himself.  He flips the envelope over to see if there is a return address.  There isn't.  He looks at the post mark.  He realizes that Beth has had the letter for 3 weeks, and he has no idea who it's from.  He puts it back where he got it and had to walk away.