Chapter 44 - She Says That Words Don't Mean A Thing

He leans forward, resting his hands on his head, "You know that this has to be the end then.  I won't chase you and I won't wait for you." 

 

"I know."  She can feel the lump in her throat starting to swell, the words that have to follow make it hurt even worse, "I love you, but I have to let you go."

"No you don't.  If we want this bad enough, we can make it work."  He turns his head to look at her and he can see that she's crying.  He can see that she's hurting, he can see that she isn't sure and that tells him that she's just trying to protect herself and the twins from more upset and uncertainty.  "We have made it through much worse than this babe."  Reaching over he squeezes her leg, "Much worse."

"Did we, or did we just put on a happy face and pretend." she says, hard to talk because of the lump and she's now to the point of crying.  "Jon, you think I"m capable of cheating on you.  How can you want to be with me if you think that?"

"I was hurt and said some things that I didn't mean, you know how I feel about you and when you act a way that's so out of your normal - I don't know how to act."

"So you hurt me with your words?" she's sobbing, hearing 'you were raped and I still want to touch you' over and over.  He has never said anything so mean to her.  Never.  And if she thinks about it, it wasn't meant to hurt her, it should have shown her that he loves her and wants her no matter what.  But she didn't.

He turns to face her on the bed, she can't look at him, it hurts too much.  "You are the one thing in my life that I have wanted and just couldn't get completely.  You have been my biggest reward and my biggest challenge all at the same time."

"I'm not a game, we are not a game." she snaps at him.

"You just admitted that when you knew I was married it made it all a challenge for you.  I'm not a game, Beth."

They looked at one another for what felt like a lifetime.  They wanted to hold one another, they wanted to be close again - but there really was too much baggage between them.  "Jon, we burned too bright too fast and fizzled out a long time ago.  When we had our night together in Jersey, the night that we made Jon Spencer and Brianna that had to be it or us."

"Why?"

"Really?" she snaps at him, "Um, maybe because you went back to your wife AGAIN.  Isn't that reason enough?"

"You drove me back to her."

"Stop.  I am not to blame for driving you into the arms of anyone. You did that on your own, not me."

He just gives her a look, "I wasn't driven into her arms, I did what was best for the kids.  Wait, I did what was second best for the kids."

"What does that mean?" Beth questions, not even knowing what the hell he could even be talking about.  

He gets up and walks over to the french doors and walks out onto the deck, back to her he says, "Their dad happy is the best thing for them to be, and you know that."

She lays back on the bed and says loud enough for him to hear, "Their dad is as happy as he makes him self, your happiness isn't my responsibility, Jon and you can't put that on me."

"YOU and them," he points into the direction of the nursery, "with Stephanie, Jesse, Jake and Romeo make me happy.  That's all I need is the whole world to make me happy."

She laughs a little, "Oh no, you need more than that Jon.  You need the world to make you happy."  She's right.  He needs to be on top, he needs to be number one.  He needs to have the best rock band on the planet - and he does.  

"Beth, it isn't even about that, you know that."

"I know Jon, I'm just sick of talking about the same shit."  She gets into bed just as one of the twins cries.  "And now we're done talking about it, period." 

"I'll go.  Stay in bed."  He tells her as he walks back into the bedroom, he pauses to look at her laying there, "How do I warm up milk??"

"Oh crap....." she throws back the blanket forgetting that she had a big glass of wine, "I forgot.  I'll go get it."

"Babe, I said I'll do it.  Just tell me how."  He's in the nursery picking up Brianna, "I think I'll need to warm it for two, he's starting to stir too." 

Beth walks in the nursery and kisses Brianna as she's cradled in her daddy's arms, "I'll go with you, he's going to wake up soon."  She rubs the baby's head and walks away, "Come on, it's pretty easy."

Together they walk  down to the kitchen, Jon one step behind Beth.  As he's walking, he's admiring the gift from God that he's holding in his hand and he can't help but ache when he thinks that there are feedings that he's going to miss.  Diaper changes, middle of the night belly aches, baths, late nights....but he also looks at the blessing that is one step in front of him.  God gave his babies the best mother that they could ever have and he knows in his heart of hearts that whatever happens they will know all about their daddy.  They will know that he loves them and wanted nothing more than to be with them, but it just wasn't in the cards.

In the kitchen, Beth takes out 2 bags of frozen breast milk and starts to gradually starts to warm them in a glass with warm running water, explaining the process to Jon.  He's watching her and listening, but he can't keep his lips of the fresh new baby skin that he has in his hands.  He kisses and loves on Brianna while Beth makes the bottles.  Once she is done, they head back up stairs to feed Bri.  In the nursery it dawns on Beth that she needs to pump, expressing the tainted breast milk so she can feed them in the morning.  "Can you feed her, I need to pump?"

"Of course." he quickly replies.  In his mind, the more that he can do, the longer he's staying and maybe they will get the opportunity to talk a little bit more.  Jon sits in the rocking chair and Beth sits on the floor next to one of the changing tables.  He feeds Brianna and Beth hooks herself up to her pump.  "There isn't anything that you could do that wouldn't be sexy." is followed by a wink.

Beth looks up at him, "Yeah, this feels really attractive." with a smile. 

Jon switches back and forth from watching Beth to watching Brianna.  He's in love with both of them, all of them and he is smitten by how much Bri looks like her mother.  She's young yet and he knows that her looks will change, but he knows that she will always remind him of her mother. 

"I don't know what else I can say to you except I love you Beth and I don't want to go another day without you."

Jon Spencer starts to fuss and eventually works into a cry.  It's music to Beth's ears, she loves the sounds that they make.  Jon puts Brianna on his shoulder and gets up as her burps her.  Walking over to his baby, his last born, he starts to pat his butt while Beth unhooks herself and puts herself together.  When she's able, she gets up and takes him from his bed.  Before she feeds him she changes his diaper and takes him into the nursery bathroom to wash his hands and face.  Jon is watching her and she sees him.  "I do this to wake them up a little bit more.  Warm cloth on their face and hands makes them a little more alert, and at night that's good.  They eat a little more."

Jon grins from ear to ear, knowing she is the best mother that they could ever have.

Beth sits in a rocking chair and starts to nurse Spencer, as she's getting him to latch on she has a thought, "When is your next show?  Where are you going from here?"

He sits in the chair next to her and says, "I have tomorrow off and then we hit the Midwest.  Something like 9 dates and then we're off for 4 days.  Why?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, I love having you here but you have to understand how hard all of this is for me."

"All of....." he gives her a look that tells her to finish his sentence. 

"The ups and downs, the ins and outs, the here and gone, the trust and mistrust - I would never cheat on you, Jon.  It took me a LONG time to start dating Dalton and then I never slept with him.  I still had that mental and emotional commitment to a man that I wasn't with any longer."

"Like Brian?"

"Yes.  Just like Brian.  I was so buried in my work that I never considered dating, really, until I met you.  You swept me off of my feet and from that moment, I was yours.  I wanted NO ONE but you.  Not Dalton, not Richie - no one.  But I won't live under the cloud of suspicion.  I won't break Stephanie's trust and Jesse is getting to the point to where if he called me, I'd do the same for him."

He starts to gently rock with Brianna as he finishes feeding her, "I just need to know that all of my kids are okay, safe and not in trouble."

"I would have told you if she were hurt or had hurt anyone, Jon. Stephanie needed to tell you.  That's her adult problem that she had to tell you if she wanted to.  I will not break her confidence, or her trust."

He takes a deep breath, puffs out his cheeks and exhales slowly, "I was watching you warm their milk and then wash Spencer's face and I know that they could never have a better mother, I guess I need to cut you some slack when it comes to the other kids, because I know that you will keep them safe and do what's best for them."

"I will.  Forever."

"I know.  I think the issue here is that I never am.  I'm never here or there and they all need me."