Chapter 45 - Just This Side of Morning

 

 

 

Together they get the twins ready to put back into bed.  Both have full bellies and dry butts.  They kiss each one goodnight and Beth turns to leave. 

She is quickly caught of guard and almost off of her feet when Jon grabs her the way that he does, with passion and deliberation.  In his arms she looks up at him then rests her head on his chest.  "I'm tired."

 

"I know." he runs his hand through the back of her hair with one hand and holds her close with the other, "Let's get you to bed and then I'll get going."  Beth hears his heartbeat race, she can feel his breath get deeper and shallower.  In herself she felt her heart sink.  Taking in the love that she feels, she knows that she has to pull away, she has to let him go.  It's really not what she wants, it 's what she needs to do.  It's never gotten better, and if it did - it never lasted very long.  Someone or something was always waiting to jump in and destroy the happiness that they both deserved, someone or something was always happy to see them suffer.

 

She pulls away, and smiles a fake smile, telling herself to be strong.   She left the nursery and climbed back into bed, in her spot, in her king bed that was custom made for two.

 

On her side, facing the French doors, she can hear Jon coming toward her.  The nursery light switch made a slight clicking sound when it was turned off.  She holds her breath, knowing that he was coming right toward her.  "I guess I'll get going."   She can see him now.  She sees that his face is hardened and his brow is furrowed.  "I'll let you know where you car is, okay."  He sits in front of her on the bed, reaching up and brushing back the hair on her neck.  "Are you going to be alright?"  His hand rests on the back of her neck.

 

"Where are you going?" Beth mumbles, "Jersey?"

 

"I guess." he tells her, sound defeated, exhausted and lost.  "I need to see Stephanie.  Plus I miss the boys." 

 

"They'll like that."  She can feel that all too familiar lump forming in her throat.  Her palms are sweating, even though they are tucked under her pillow.  Looking at him makes her want to cry, so she just glances. 

 

He rubs his fingers on the back of her head and said, "You know, where ever you are, whoever you may be with - I will always love you."

 

"I know that."  She rolls onto her back, "You act like we'll never see each other again."

 

"Seeing you will be hard." he turns his head to look away.  "Respecting what you want goes totally against what I want, but you're right, we can't stay on this roller coaster.  We need to get off and put our feet on solid ground."

 

Folding her pillow in half, she sits up and says, "I expect you to see the twins as often as you can."

 

"I will."

 

"And if I need to leave for you to do that, I can.  Or if you need me to bring them to you, I can.  But I can't keep loving you and losing you like I do. I can't keep giving a losing battle all of my energy, and neither can you."

 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah - you're right."  he gets up and walks to the door, "I know that we need a change and if this is the change that you think will be the best for all of us, than this is what we have to do.  I can't make you want to be with me Beth.  I can't make you do anything that you don't want to."

 

"You know I love you."

 

"I do know that, and I love you too."  He turns around and looks at her, "I will always love you and you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me."

 

He makes his way back to her and leans over to kiss her goodbye.  Once his lips touch her lips, he starts to cry; no longer able to contain himself and be the badass that he portrays himself to be.  He doesn't lift his lips off of hers, he just lets himself fall on her, crying.  He's crying so hard, Beth can't resist wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight.  She doesn't talk, she doesn't move - she lays there with him and let's him let it out.  He's finally able to show her the way that he feels and she loves the fact that they are able to get this out of the way.

 

As the minutes pass, his heartbreak and emotion lighten a little bit.  Beth's left arm has fallen asleep, from the pressure that he put on it, but she didn't say a word.  He relaxes a little more and lays there with her, not wanting to get up, not wanting to go.  "Is this really it?'

 

She doesn't say a word.  She lays there with him in his arms, holing on for what could be the very last time.

 

"Do you really want this to be it?  Do you really want it to be over?" he mumbles, Beth can hardly hear him. 

 

Again, she doesn't say anything.  She starts to rub his back, easing her way onto her side, to hold him tighter.  He melts back into her and she keeps him close.  She knows that whatever she says, she needs to say it from the heart and she needs to say it with tact.  She hates to see him this upset and she hates knowing that she's the one that's upsetting him, but she also knows that THEY have had enough.  "Jon, we can't keep living like this.  It's not healthy for anyone involved."

 

"Then let's change it."

 

"What can we change?  Our lives are on different sides of the country, your job is your job."

 

"All of that can be changed."

 

"How?  You move here and quit your job?  Like that would ever happen." she kind of laughs and knows that there is no chance in hell that that would ever happen.  "Or am I supposed to concede and move to Jersey?"

 

"Why is it a competition?  Is being together in the place that makes the most sense conceding?"

 

Beth thinks about what he says for a second, with him still in her arms, "To you Jersey makes the most sense?"

 

"It does."

 

"But it doesn't to me." her face goes into his hair, she inhales deeply and smiles on the inside.

 

He can feel her take a deep breathe and that tells him that she's getting ready to say something that he won't want to hear.  "New Jersey has way too many bad memories for me.  Going back to visit the babies, kills me.  Living there again would probably set me over the edge."

 

He sits up and looks back at her over his right shoulder, "You don't know that."

 

"Actually, I do, Jon."  she sits up in bed, pushing herself up to lean against the headboard, "I know that being that close to all of the bad memories and the people that are involved in them would drive me crazy.  I have no desire to see Dorothea or let her into even the smallest shred of my life."

 

"She's in the past."

 

"But she's your present and your future.  She will be in your life for several years still."

 

"That doesn't mean that you have to deal with her."

 

Beth pulls the covers up a little bit and slides down to get comfortable, "But you will and then I'll have to deal with the fall out.  Jon, it's too much."

 

"Too much?  It's too much to be with me and the kids, together as a family?"

 

"The cost is too much."

 

He jumps to his feet, getting angry now.  "The cost is too much?  The cost?  WE have been through hell and back and you're telling me about cost?"  He starts to pace the room, "the cost, the cost that makes Spencer and Brianna grow up without their dad in their life everyday?  It's fair to make them pay?"

 

He hit a nerve, he pissed her off.  She sits up in bed and says, "Don't even bring them into this Jon."

 

"Why?  In your world, they will only be collateral damage."

 

"Fuck you.  I'm keeping them from being collateral damage of having a rock star daddy."

 

"Beth...."

 

"I'm serious Jon.  In less than 10 years, we have been through more than most people have to deal with in one lifetime.  We've lost so much, we've hurt so much and we've cried too much.  From losing children to losing each other - it sucks!  If I can keep them from having to live like we have, I will sacrifice you to do it."

 

He stops pacing and looks at her, "Are you serious, that's the way that you think?"

 

She nods her head, "Helping Stephanie the other night showed me that the life that they live isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  Everything we do has to be done in secret or it's all over the news."

 

"Is it really that bad?"

 

"To raise kids like that."

 

"But the lifestyle afforded things like this vineyard, the offices you have in New York and Los Angeles."  he gives her a look.  And he can see that she is getting really pissed.

 

"Did you really just say that?"

 

"The lifestyle has given us more than it's taken and we have had more happiness than we have heartache."

 

"Have we?" she snaps.  "The vineyard was a gift and the offices are mine.  Not a damn dime of your money went into them."

 

He leans against the dresser, glancing around the room "You're missing my point.  It's a good evil kind of thing"  he crosses his arms and Beth notices just how good he looks.  The jeans fit perfectly and the t-shirt fits him just right, in all of the right places.  She can't let that distract her, she can't be taken back to the days when she wanted him more than anything.  "We've shared more happy times than we have sad times."

 

"Quantity, Jon.  Means nothing.  The happy times were many, but the sad times were much deeper.  My God, they knocked the wind out of me."

 

He just stands there and looks at her.  She's right, she in just a few words has proven the point that she was trying to make.  "Let's go away."

 

"What?  To where?  When, when the tour is done?" she mocks him, "Go away, we have infants, we can't just go away."

 

"We can do anything we want."  walking over to her, "We can go wherever you want and do whatever you want."

 

With a certainty that he's not heard before, "No.  We aren't going away together."

 

"Why?"

 

"Jesus Jon, we have infants and you're in the middle of a world tour.  Did you forget that in the last 10 seconds?"

 

"We can get Lupetta and take the kids away for a few days."

 

"Jon...."

 

"Think about it.  We haven't had any away time, or any family time since the twins were born."

 

He sees her shake her head no, with no expression on her face.