Chapter 22 - A Million Miles Of Memories

 

 

"You could always go with me, you know that." his arms go around her and he holds her growing girth.  "There is always room for you and there always will be."

 

"I can't leave here now, I have too much going on."

 

"More of that senseless obsession?" he asks. 

 

She gently pulls away and walks into the kitchen.  She needed to take her vitamin, like she always did at night.  "I have this placed booked until fall.   I need to be here."

 

"I need you with me." he states and she can hear that he means every letter of what he just said.

 

"I don't want to do this Jon.  It's late and I really need to get to bed."  She swallows the horse pill and finishes her glass of water.  "I have a tour coming tomorrow and that's going to take up half of my day."

 

"I can help you."

 

"Jon."

 

"Well, I can.  I know how to do it, we've done enough together."

 

Beth leans against the kitchen counter and crosses her arms, they lay on her baby bump, "I don't want you to do it with me.  I want you to get back to you job and resume with your life."

 

"So that's it?" he leans against the counter, opposite of her and crosses his arms, "I find out that you could be carrying my children and you want me to go on with life as if I didn't know?"

 

"No, get on with life knowing, and I'll keep you posted on what's going on.  That's more than fair for a man that dumped me over the phone."

 

"I thought you forgave me?" he winks at her, as his heart slowly works its way into her throat.

 

She chuckles, "I forgive you, I didn't forget."  she shifts her weight to the other foot, "It's like I told you, I have a plan laid out for life and being involved with a rockstar, being involved with you is not in that plan.  I'm sorry."

 

He looks at her, looking for a tell.  Looking for anything that could give him hope.  Right now, he just needs a glimmer of hope, a speckle of hope because he cannot imagine leaving there and having a period put on the door that he closes.  He cannot imagine why she is still so bitter, still so hurt.  "How can you raise them by yourself?  You're going to need help, Beth."

 

"I'll find someone, but I won't need help for a very long time.  I plan to be with them 24/7 until I'm ready to leave them alone."

 

"You can't live like that."

 

"Yes I can. If I did it last year, my baby would still be alive." 

 

"Damn it, stop with that, will you."  He stands up and takes a step toward her, "We never would have known that Melissa would turn out to be the sicko that she is.  And you need to stop blaming yourself, no one can predict that level of craziness.  She had everyone fooled."

 

Beth takes a step away from him and climbs up onto a chair at the island.  Resting her head in her hands she asks him, "Do you feel any guilt?"

 

"I used too, but I got help and I was then able to see that it wasn't my fault.  My guilt was misplaced."

 

"Misplaced?" she questions him, "Misplaced how?"

 

"I should have felt more guilt for what I had done to you.  From sleeping with Melissa to not being able to recognize her, I also should have, and I do now, have guilt for ending things the way that I did."

 

"Do you see how chicken shit that was.  How cowardly that was?"

 

"How different is it from you running off in the middle of the night?" he snaps back, in his defense.  "I misplaced my guilt in thinking that I was responsible for McKenna's death.  I felt that there was more I could have done, something I should have seen - but there wasn't.  We were, we are excellent parents Beth, you know that and I know that.  We could not have had the foresight to see what she was planning.  No one could have known that she was linked to Dalton, we all were blind sided."

 

"So, do we want to pick up where she left off and let even more crazy people in our lives?  I can't do that Jon.  Being with you means that we travel all the time, we go to exotic places and are gone for days.  I'm not taking my babies through that and I'm not inviting anymore strangers into my life."

 

"So you don't travel then and we don't hire anyone new."  He walks over to her, tucking her hair behind her ear, he finishes with, "Do you really want to be without me?"

 

"I've managed this far."

 

"Do you think I can stay away now that I know you're pregnant, with babies that are mine?  Regardless if they're Brian's.  I will love them as if they are my own."

 

"About that." she inhales deeply, "If they are Brian's, I will make sure that his parents are a big part of their life.  I want them involved because I know that is what he would want."

 

"I understand, but can't they have the love of multiple grandparents and uncles?  They will have 3 brothers and a sister, a couple of uncles and a handful of staff that will love them as if they were Bongiovi's."

 

"I don't know about that." she states honestly.  "I don't know if I want to confuse them like that.  They will have enough to deal with as they get older."

 

"And a big family won't be one of them if you keep them away from us."

 

"Why put them in the lions den if they're tigers?  That's just more explaining at a later date, that I want to avoid."

 

"You're being selfish."

 

"Maybe, but I need to think about what's best for them and that isn't always going to be what I want."

 

"Why can't we do it together?"

 

"Are you listening to me?"  She gets up and leaves the kitchen, heading to her bedroom, "I don't want them confused and I don't want to explain anymore craziness to them than I already have to when they're older.  I'm going to have to be their history book before they are thrown out into the world."

 

He follows her upstairs, taking his jacket and shirt off as her enters her room.  She's on the foot of the bed rubbing lotion over her swollen tired feet, "We can explain all of that to them together, Beth."  He sits next to her and takes over her  lotion application.  "Why are you being so stubborn about this?'

 

"Stubborn?" she lies back on the bed.  Using her hands for a pillow, she restates, "I'm doing what's best for the kids."

 

"What kids?  The twins?  You would be robbing them of many opportunities and they would miss out on the love of a big family."

 

"Robbing them of what opportunities?  I can give them everything that you give your kids, they won't need or want for anything Jon.  And as for the love of a big family, are all big families all that they are cracked up to be."

 

He lays down next to her, she turns her head to face him.  He gently kisses her lips and whispers, "You're robbing them of a great father."