Chapter 6 - It Doesn't Make A Difference

 

 

 

"There is no better time than now.  No interruptions and no distractions." He says, reaching for her hand, lacing her fingers in his.  "Let's get it all out there."

When Beth looks at him there are times that she can see the girls, those times often felt like a sucker punch, but this time it's different.  This time she sees Jon and the look on his face takes her back to when he was Mr. Mom.  When he was McKenna's care giver. She remembers how happy he was to change a poopy diaper, how little he cared when she would spit up and how he never complained that he was tired or that it was too much.  He loved that little girl with all that he had, and then some.  He would tell Beth that he was emotionally in debt when it came to McKenna.  That look on his face and the glint I his eye hit her hard.  Hard enough she's thinking that she wants off the plane.

"There really isn't much to get out there anymore Jon.  Haven't we said it all, or at the very least, we've said enough."

"No Beth, we haven't said it all.  If we had, you wouldn't be sitting there treating me like I have the plague or something."

Beth looks out the window and sees nothing but darkness.  Darkness is where she was for a long time, until she moved into the vineyard.  That day changed her life, forever.  "I'm treating you like I would treat any male acquaintance.  My moment of weakness when I boarded was a mistake, but I won't lie to you.  I loved having your arms around me."

"If you still love that, then there is more to say." He says, with question in his voice as he hangs onto a glimmer of hope.  

She just looks at him and wonders what the hell does he want? Better yet, what the hell does he expect?  "Jon, what do you want from me?"

"Your time."

She looks at her watch, "It looks like you have 4 more hours."  And she laughs.  He fails to see the humor but takes advantage of the opportunity.

"I can never undo what has already been done, I know that.  I can't erase any hurt I have caused you or take away any of that pain.  All I can do is promise to never hurt you again." With a pause, she jumps in.

"I'll never give you another opportunity to hurt me.  You do know that if Melissa wasn't getting out, I would not be on this plane."

"I know that."

"The last several weeks were very hard for me.  The Grammy's were my most embarrassing moment in my whole life, amongst many of our friends. I promised myself that you will never get a chance to do that again.  I will never be belittled by Dorothea again and I will never allow your children to be in a situation where they may feel bad if they talk to me."  Beth is getting worked up, her fingers are tingling and she's tapping a foot. "To see them at the Grammy's and knowing that they want to say hi but didn't, that will never happen again. Dorothea will never have a chance to verbally attack me ever again.  She is what you wanted, your choice has been made.  All that's left of us are the 3 little girls buried at the cemetery."

"That's bullshit, and you know that Beth!"

"No it's not Jon, ya see, the way I look at it is - we have done our time in hell.  From here on out our lives should be nothing but rainbows and butterflies.  Personally we faced our challenges and came out the other side.  Hell on earth is over for me. The rest of my life will be spent chasing and maintaining happiness.  There is NO WAY I can do that with you!"  She takes a deep breath and goes right back at it, "Your words cut me to the core, I was so heartbroken, I was so devastated that I sought help.  I begged for someone to show me that even if I can't be with you, I can still be happy.  And much to my own surprise, I showed myself.  I love you Jon, I will always love you but you were and are right."  She has to look away, she can see the sadness covering his face, she can see that this is not what he had in mind when he flew to California to surprise her.  "Us, you and me, together are a recipe for disaster.  We have had to much heartache and too much drama.  I can't take anymore.

"You're copping out." He snaps at her.

She snaps back, "Oh, like you did when you dumped me over the phone?"

"I had no choice."

She laughs, "I know, you couldn't wait until you got back, it HAD to be done over the phone. That my dear Jon, is the cowards way."  She quickly reminded of a question she has wondered about for weeks, "I know you're married to Dorothea and all, but did you cheat on me with her at all while we were together?"

"How can you ask such a thing?" He answers with a little bit of disgust in his voice.  

"I can ask such a thing because EVERYDAY I think about Melissa.  So to me, it makes sense.  I left you and you had a one nighter with a bitch that's even crazier than your wife, so why wouldn't you sleep with your wife if she's the one you chose to be with?  I figure you might have when I was back and forth to the vineyard, or maybe she met up with you on tour?  Or maybe when you were with her at her dads funeral, when she snuck into your room?" She unfastened her seatbelt and slides passed Jon.  "I don't want another minute of my life being shadowed by doubt, by Dot or anything else that could be negative.  I've done some pretty deep soul searching Jon, and even though I am madly in love with you, my sanity can't be with you."

He gets up and goes to her, "I know you don't mean that."

"Actually I do Jon.  I do.  I had some visitors at the vineyard over the weekend and seeing them reminded me of better days, days when my heart was whole and my soul was happy.  They reminded me that I am a good person and that I do deserve to be happy."

"Who was it?" He's quick to act, having no idea who she could be talking about.

She walks to the fridge and peeks at what fruit they have on board, "Brian's parents."

"What did they want?  That's kind of our of the blue, have you been talking to them?"  Jon hates being in the dark, he really hates not knowing all that's going on with her.  His patience are thin, but he remains calm.

"I haven't talked to them in years.  They're wine enthusiasts and came out for the AWA event.  It was nice to see them." With an apple in her hand. She takes a seat and adds, "they treated me like we haven't missed a beat.  I was just as happy to see them as they were to see me."

"And they wanted nothing?" He asks her with skepticism in his voice.  "You don't find it odd?"

"Not at all." She takes a bite of her apple, "They have been keeping up on all that I was doing and what's happened.  His mom was very involved with me until I moved to LA."

"But out of the blue, they pop up at our, I mean your vineyard."

"Yes." She takes another bite, kicks back with her feet on the opposite seat.  "Not everyone turns out to be Melissa and not everyone wants shit from us."

"I'm sorry, I just know that there are very few that resurface that want nothing."

"I had a great time with them and look forward to seeing them again."

"You made plans already?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but no.  Nothing definite."

He turns to face her and asks, "Can you tell me that the weekend we just spent together meant nothing?"

"I can tell you that it meant the world to me and Jon, when I tell you that I love you, I mean it.  I love you with everything that I have, but I finally love me more"

He leans in and kisses her nose, "Does that mean we have no hope?"

"We, you and me are hopeless.  I'm all out of heartbreaks, I'm fresh out of tears. My only hope is that we keep Melissa locked up for a very long time"

"You're giving up too soon!"

"You already gave up Jon.  You made that perfectly clear when you called me."